Hotline – The Harvard Lampoon

Disturbed Recesses of My Mind #

| Issue Editor: SLK '16 | Art Editor:


  SLK '16

Hello, and congratulations on your employment at America’s #1 suicide hotline. Here, phone calls aren’t just friendly conversations. They are life or death situation, unless, of course, they’re bluffing, in which case they tend to turn into friendly conversations.

It can be intimidating to talk to your first caller. Sometimes the caller will open with the reasons they want to end their life. Maybe they lost their job, maybe they lost their loved one who was employing them so then they also lost their job, or maybe they lost they’re job and then reacted by killing their loved one. It’s definitely one of those three. If a caller asks you for advice, say nothing. Just nod. Avoid giving out free advice unless the caller is willing to subscribe to our premium plan. Plus, if they do not already realize this sales tactic, then perhaps they won’t survive in this world anyway.

Many of our employees are suicide survivors themselves and prone to relapse. Therefore, you might find yourself answering a call from right inside this very building! If so, hang up immediately to avoid clogging two lines at once. This makes us look unprofessional.

We can confidently report that our success rate is at an all-time high. We boast both the highest caller rate and return caller rate, thanks to our stamp card loyalty program. But, at the end of the day, boasting and bragging about our success doesn’t do us any good, especially when it distracts us from picking up phone calls. In fact, by the time you finish reading this sentence, ten people have already died. Get back to work.