How I Worked My Way to the Top of the Studio – The Harvard Lampoon

Sets In The West #

| Issue Editor: TBW '18 | Art Editor: PEDSES '19

How I Worked My Way to the Top of the Studio

  JGS '20

I’m stumbling around looking for a bathroom anywhere in this city and I accidentally walk into the President of Warner Brother’s office. “Here for the interview?” he writes on a piece of paper as he finishes his snow cone. At that point the poop was coming out whether I wanted it to or not and I decided his desk was the best place for it.

“You got moxie, kid” I say, thinking he would say it too and we’d both say it in synch. He abruptly stops eating his snow cone and puts it in his briefcase for later. “If you think that even came close to being a display of moxie… then you have gravely underestimated how impressed I was by that.” He starts sucking on the ring pop he’s been wearing and writes “you start in the mail room tomorrow.” It was Saturday.

So there I am working in the Warner Brothers mail room. Keep in mind that in 1932, basically the only mail being sent to movie studios was full size pianos. Luckily it was 1994, so a lot of the pianos being sent were the smaller electronic ones. Suffice to say, surrounded by nothing but pianos and having hours of free time every day, I get really good at stacking the pianos into a Piano Mountain.

I keep stacking and stacking the pianos, until suddenly they’re taller than the President’s office. And now, since I can get higher up than him on my pianos, that means that technically, I can see him masturbating into his slurpee machine through the window. The blackmail works perfectly and he gives me his job. Slurpee machines are strictly forbidden on the Warner Brothers lot.