How the Grinsk Stole Channukah – The Harvard Lampoon

Seasons of Life #

| Issue Editor: DRM '18 | Art Editor: JTB '18

How the Grinsk Stole Channukah

  SHK '18   JGS '20

Every Jew Down in Jewville Liked Channukah quite a bit

But the Grinsk, who lived 35 minutes without traffic outside of Jewville, was a real Channukah kvitch.

 

The Grinsk hated Channukah! He kvelled and he kputushed!

He took Jewville menorahs and stuffed them right up his Hebrew craputz!

 

How long does this hatred go back? Let’s reminisce-ah!:

The Grinsk has hated Channukah ever since his Bar Mitzvah!

 

Now please don’t ask why, seriously stop asking. No one knows why.

Your mother and I have both told you several times to stop asking us. Please stop. Oy gevalt, fine. Ok.

 

Perhaps it’s because Dr. Goldensplurg put on the Grinsk’s braces too tight

To deal with his schliftziing and scupsing over-bite

 

Or perhaps his asthma inhaler was increasing in price

And he could no longer afford under-the-counter shampoo for his chronic lice

 

But I think, and by I, I mean both me and your father, that the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his orthopedic inserts were two sizes too small.

 

One fateful night the Grinsk got up his sleeve

To fidl up a plan for Channukah Eve

 

The Grinsk got a plan, a perfect plan, OK!

It was sure to succeed, like a 401(k)!

 

He snuck into Jewville with scheming chutzpah eyes

And schlepping a tote bag big enough for the whole Channukah prize.

 

He didn’t go down their chimneys because it was an unhygienic mashugana

Instead he waltzed through their doors right past the mezuzah.  

 

The Grinsk took it all! Without hesitation!

He took their Gas-X, their Pepto, all their digestive medication!

 

The Jews were a mess. They were shvitzing and glooping!

A night of sour cream latkes untreated meant endless fits of pooping!

 

I won’t linger long on the poop situation…

But let’s just say it was pounds and pounds of utter steaming fecal matter being powerfully projected straight into every working toilet in the Jewville tri-state location.

 

Channukah was ruined! There was brown flowing in the streets.

No one could sleep. There was brown in the sheets!

 

“Mazel Mazel! My plan was a smashing success!”

The Grinsk thought he had ruined Chanukah with the brown fecal mess.

 

But then came little Rachael-Sarah Steinbloop

With one last bottle of Pepto to stop all of Jewville’s poo-poop

 

Surely these poop meds could only last one night…

But by some magic miracle, it lasted all eight. A dairy delight!

 

Channukah was saved! And the mean Grinsk was foiled.

But even ol’ Grinsk caught some of the festival’s good ol’ mensch oils.

 

The town came together, and the Grinsk thought it was pure beauty.

He was so taken aback, he volunteered to clean the streets of all the doody.

 

In that moment they say, yes both your father and I, I repeat both of us, we say

That the Grinsk’s sweaty orthopedic shoes grew ten sizes that day.

 

They are now much too large. Does anyone have toe pads?