How to Talk to Humans – The Harvard Lampoon

By Any Means Necessary #

| Issue Editor: ACW '15 | Art Editor: SESH '16

How to Talk to Humans

  EIG '15

Everyday: Humans will ask regularly how you are doing. Say, “I’m well; how are you?”

Finance: Your owner catches putting your binary into his bank account: turn and say “I’m well; how are you.” If he presses the issue, say “I’m well; how are you?”

Public Spaces: If a policeman approaches you, do not simulate panic. Respond with “I’m well; how are you?” while waiting for your phasers to autodeploy.

Philosophical: If a human asks what you are going to do with them now: continue tying them up and attach them to the great chain. After the branding, say “I’m well; how are you?”