Alright, pal. We’re way back in the polls. It isn’t looking good. You’ll probably never be president, mostly because you’re running for city councilman, which you also probably won’t be. As your campaign manager, I think it’s time to reinvent your public image.
Now before we get all negative, let’s keep in mind what has been working. First of all, the public seems to love when you aren’t talking, so try to be as shy as possible for the rest of the campaign. Furthermore, we’re polling remarkably well among Sagittarians.
Still, something’s been missing and the other astrological signs are feeling lukewarm about you. So let’s think: what do people like? Dogs? Yeah, people love dogs. So maybe be a dog for the rest of the campaign or, ideally, several dogs. Or at least take this turtleneck with a picture of a dog on it and wear it until election day. Point at it a lot.
People also like someone they can relate to, so act like a normal person. Show up late to major campaign events. Trip and fall frequently. Cry in your Ford Taurus in front of the press. Just be a regular, imperfect man in a dog shirt ‒ be Everyman. Be someone they feel like they could share a beer with or a sad visit to Arby’s at 3pm with.
If any of these ideas sounds like a desperate “hail mary” that’s because I’m probably subliminally alluding to my next idea: constant references to the high school football team’s regional semifinal win back in ‘88.
For instance, hold up your hands like a touchdown was scored after you make a good point in a debate. Maybe complain about the refs from that game a bit. And frequently quote fullback Joe “The Truck” Watson, known for the Yogi Berra-esque aphorisms he started saying after his second concussion.
I mean, the parallels between your campaign and the ‘88 team are kind of eerie. They, like you, were underdogs. They, like you, had a lot of passion for the game of football. So now let’s just hope the parallels continue and your opponent breaks his arm, rendering him unable to finish the fourth quarter of the campaign, assuring our victory.