♫ Aruba, Jamaica, girl I wanna take ya to ♫ 617 Aruba St. Jamaica, Queens, NY 11412. Take a right at the Arby’s where Rudy Giuliani got stabbed last year and then hang a U-ey at the Arby’s with the “Rudy Giuliani’s Stabber” Memorial Statue out front. Then it’s the blue house on the left. Sorry, to the left of the blue house. That’s where I’ll need you to go.
There will be a small dumpster fire keeping a homeless, yet dignified man lit on fire in the cold of the windy New York night. Tucked into his hat, he’ll have a stash of small bills that he earned from a long day of playing a beat up saxophone outside Central Park.Take the money. Take the hat. Take the saxophone and hop back on the bus to Cambridge, Mass. We just made $34 for ol’ Lampy.
Sadly these small money making schemes have proven not to be enough to keep us afloat. Financially speaking, the Lampoon has seen better days. Why just last semester we had so much money that we could waltz right into Tatte and ask for their finest pastries to be served to us on their finest gold plates by their finest minimum wage employees. The waltz lessons cost $750/person. Due to a series of financially imprudent decisions that I can only imagine are entirely the fault of our Business Board, (barring of course our wonderful Treasurer, BJF, who is doing wonderfully in supporting my growing tastes for caviar and exotic animal coats) we are tip-toeing on the tight-wire of bankruptcy.
But Money, Schmoney! Who cares?! In terms of content, The Lampoon is a well-oiled supercomputer. We never should have put the oil so close to the supercomputer. It fucking short-cicruited everything. This isn’t even a metaphor, everything in the castle is broken and covered in oil. Our content is suffering. The few people who think our magazine is funny on campus are all named after war criminals, and while Dick-Cheney Thompson is actually a great guy and one of my best friends in Section, it is not the best look for our magazine to have him as our biggest fan.
I recently watched a bootleg copy of the film Julius Caesar. I couldn’t see or hear anything happening. It seemed like the bootlegger literally put his camcorder in a bag of chips and forgot about it for the whole movie. Honestly, I am not sure if it was even Julius Caesar- I really couldn’t see anything at all. But I know from separate sources that in times of great crisis such as today’s for the Lampoon, the Romans would give power to one man to ensure swift and decisive action.
In a similar vein, MAK MJS and I have held up the castle at gunpoint and taken command of the Lampoon against everyone’s interests. We have taken it upon ourselves, in the past 5 months it took to put together this dynamite issue and fix all of the problems facing The Harvard Lampoon. First things first: when it comes to comedy, we are throwing in the towel. A wet, stinky towel.
Yes, here we are at rock bottom. The Lampoon is no longer a comedy organization. We’ve partnered with Let’s Go Travel to make earnest travel guides just to earn a few bucks to keep the heat on. We’ve lied to just enough advertisers to finance first class trips all around the world for the travel writers on staff. And with the tragic state of The Lampoon back on campus we can only assume most of them will never return.
Nevertheless, MJS MAK and I are confident we can usher in a new era of the Lampoon. Travel guides are money makers and money is what this place should be all about. So without further ado we hope you enjoy this worldly travel guide. And we hope while you’ve been distracted reading this, MJS was successful in breaking into your dorm room and stealing your laundry quarters.