Kindergarten – The Harvard Lampoon

Symphonia Fantastica #

| Issue Editor: | Art Editor: JFAR '19

Kindergarten

  GPL '21

Hello, is this the mother of Steve Austin? The stone cold professional wrestler? The 54 year old man? Yes, I’m just calling to say that Steve–there is nothing more I can teach him. With the gift that he has–he does not belong in Kindergarten. Or any room with children.

It was math when I thought Steve had “the gift”. I asked the kids, “What is four times five?” We didn’t even cover multiplication yet, but Steve knocked 20 kids out. No hesitation. Then he also knocked out 34 children in alphabetical order.

After that, we bumped him to fourth grade. We thought, “there’s no way he’ll knock out fourth graders and excel in school”. We were right. He did marvelous, and didn’t hurt a single fourth grader. We are still unsure how he got his hands on those kindergarteners. 

Usually with so many students at risk, we try and intervene, but we were scared shitless, so we sent in 6th grade peer mediators. Big mistake. They were even bigger pussies than us. They gave up their peers and Steve ended up with 17 fresh pre-schoolers. He waited a year, and then delivered a graduation brainblaster to every one of those 17 kindergarteners. After this, we had to re-evaluate: 4th grade might not be challenging enough for Steve.

Steve is a darling to have in class, but he is a danger to others. The problem decreased for a bit when we moved the kindergarteners to another building, but it increased a lot more after Steve figured out how to walk to that building. At this point, the only real option is that we wrap the kids in padding because even if we pull Steve out of school he still knows where the kindergarten building is.