Little Green Army Men – The Harvard Lampoon

The Grass is Greener #

| Issue Editor: CHS '17 | Art Editor: AEV '18

Little Green Army Men

  SWR '19

Dad: Charlie! Why aren’t you playing with the toys I got you?
Son: I put them back in the box. They’re not fun to play with.
Dad: Nonsense. I played with army men when I was a boy and you will too.
Son: But Dad!
Dad: You’re gonna play with them and you’re gonna like it. (opens box)
Army Man 1: Top o’ the marnin’, Charlie!
Army Man 2: Aye, Charlie, back from cryin’ in mumsy’s bed!
Army Man 3: Wos this? Is pretty boy raddy fer another peggin,’ is he?
Army Man 4: Hee hee hee! Charlie’s a little pansy boy with lads on his mind!
Army Man 5: Ye can fack right off, Charlie.
Army Man 6: Go find a little tree by the brook and hang yerself, Charlie.
Army Man 7: Hidey didey do! What a pussy!
Son: See, Dad? They always do thi—
Army Man 8: Didja bring yer boyfriend with ye, Charlie?
Army Man 9: Go on an’ fack yerself, Charlie.
Army Man 10: A wee little fairy boy with soft hands, that’s wot Charlie is.
Army Man 11: Ho ho ho ho ho! He’s rammin’ you up the arse, Charlie!
Army Man 12: Quit takin’ it like a fairy boy and fight back like a man, Charlie.
Army Man 13: Ye got twig arms, Charlie. How ye gonna throw a punch with twig arms?
Army Man 14: How ye gonna slit yer wrists with twig wrists, Charlie?
Army Man 15: Oy, Charlie! Suck a dick.
Army Man 16: The lassies don’t like “sensitive” boys, Charlie.
Army Man 17: Lookey here! Charlie’s cryin’ like a wee idiot!
Army Man 18: Run off an’ play yer little pity song elsewhere, Charlie.
Army Man 19: Why don’t ye go jump in a well, Charlie.
Army Man 20: I’ll show ye the pot o’gold if ye kill yerself, Charlie.
Army Man 21: Hee hee! Charlie! Ho ho ho! Do it!
Army Man 22: Hidey didey haw haw! Charlie!