Locker Room Secrets – The Harvard Lampoon

The Burnout #

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Locker Room Secrets

  EFM '09

– I’ve got something on my mind, Dave.
– I’m listening.
– I want to tell you this in confidence, though. Man to man.
– Of course. You’re my best friend, Mikey.
– And I don’t want to hear any shit about why I’m wearing this dress all of a sudden. We just came back from football practice and instead of changing back into my jeans and a t-shirt, I changed into this dress. Is that okay?
– Sure man, what’s on your mind?
– I already know what you’re thinking: look at this guy, my best friend. I thought I knew him. And now look. He’s putting on…hold on…he’s putting on lipstick right now. Like some sort of girl. What gives?
– Listen, Mike. I don’t know what’s going on. You know I’m your best bud. I don’t care what this is about. I’m here for you.
– See? This is all too much to take in at once. I guess you shouldn’t have come here like you always do after practice to see me like this, your friend, waiting to adjust his pantyhose right in front of you just so you can see how much he’s really changed.
– Alright, man. I can see this isn’t a good time to talk. I’ll see you later.
– And tomorrow I’m going to come to football practice like this, or maybe I’ll change into a different outfit, with heels this time. Is that okay with you?
– Yeah, sure. I mean, I’m not entirely sure that’s a great idea, buddy. But whatever you want.
– Fine, then I’ll go barefoot. How’s that? Or maybe I’ll wear these tiny flip-flops here.
– Okay man. If you think that’s a good idea. I just think the guys might…well they might make fun of you, Mike. I have to be honest with you.
– Why, Dave? I’m the quarterback. Look at me. I want you to look at me right now. I’m the star fucking quarterback.