Magic Headphones – The Harvard Lampoon

Dead of Night #

| Issue Editor: GJA '17 | Art Editor: BAB '17

Magic Headphones

  JGS '20

It was a stormy night. Lightning struck my headphones. And then I found these other headphones on the ground that were magic. With these headphones I could hear people’s thoughts.

At first I was shocked by how many people were thinking the Pledge of Allegiance. Then I realized I was using regular headphones and listening to a recording of it. I put in the magic ones and was comforted to find only about half of people were thinking the Pledge of Allegiance.

The big discovery was what my mom was thinking: “Why is David wearing headphones while I try to talk to him?” My name is Justin, but my mom likes to call me David when she confuses me for my older brother who passed away.

Everything was okay until one time my girlfriend was driving us home. She thought, “I feel like I have no purpose and I’m afraid to tell anyone.” But she thought that in an Eddie Murphy voice! As we drove on the canyon roads, she thought, “I’m going to drive us both off this cliff.” I had to say something after that. It was two Eddie Murphy thoughts in a row!

Eventually I had to stop using the headphones; I accidentally sat on them and they broke.