Marriage – The Harvard Lampoon

One Head in the Kill Machine #

| Issue Editor: JBO '10 | Art Editor: JBO '10

Marriage

  CAS '12

It’s the same old story. Graduate college, wait five years, go to the weddings of one or two college friends, become convinced you’ll be alone for the rest of your life because there’s no way you could kiss a girl in front of that many people, call up your other college buddies and ask them if they’re close to getting married, do everything you can to ruin their relationships if you sense that they are, lose all of your friends, start thinking now you’ll really be alone for the rest of your life because now you really have nobody not even your college buddies, call mom and dad, ask them how their marriage is going, get jealous of your dad for marrying your mom, talk to your mom about it, she’ll understand because she’s perfect, go back to your apartment in the city because your dad doesn’t want you coming home any more, call up some old college buddies, when they pick up shout at them for not answering soon enough, if they answer soon enough congratulate them ironically then hang up.

But wait! Who is this man! Who is this charming, charming man! He’s coming up to me on the street corner and he looks like he’s got it all figured out! He’s talking to me about stocks and bonds and the weather! I’m making some agreeable remarks and he’s smiling! He’s pointing at my face and kind of winking and saying that he thinks we’re on the same wavelength! He’s saying that maybe we should get married and I’m joking that we can’t because we live in a state where it’s illegal for two men to get married! He gets deadly serious all of a sudden and tells me that marriage has nothing to do with the government. He tells me that marriage is all about ceremony and our age doesn’t know what a true marriage ceremony is. He really emphasizes the ‘true’ part and he isn’t laughing anymore at all. He tells me to follow him and I do and he leads me downstairs to this really nice room like it’s a palace underground and there are a lot of important people there like congressmen and so many priests like seventy priests. He tells me that we are married now and that I’m his property and the property of his family and he points at all of the celebrities and priests to signify that they are his family too. He tells me that corporations are the enemy and that this is what God wants. He laughs to signify that he doesn’t really believe in God at all though and that he’s kind of just doing this as a joke that has gotten way out of hand. He looks at me and I look at him and that moment we are in love but it’s kind of awkward because even when you love somebody it is sometimes kind of awkward to look at them directly in the eyes, especially if they’re giving the priests ‘hang him now’ sign.