MDL-G, Flight Attendant – The Harvard Lampoon

MDL-G #

| Issue Editor: MDL-G '16 | Art Editor: REZ '16

MDL-G, Flight Attendant

  MDL-G '16

What up everybody and welcome aboard American Airlines Flight 23 with nonstop service to Texas or something. Now if you’d all shut off those electronics and turn your attention towards the nearest flight attendant, it probably won’t change your inevitable fate: death.

At this point, your seatbelts should be fastened. And if you’re that much of a wimp, you might want to put a helmet on too. If you don’t know how to fasten your seatbelt, I can’t help you; I don’t believe in that shit. Let’s face it: if this thing’s going down at 500 miles per hour, we’re all going to die anyway. And it’s not like the seatbelt’s going to make it into the coffin.

Now this is going to be a long one, so if you just can’t take it anymore there are six emergency exits on this bad boy. Just take a look around.

There could be a loss in cabin pressure during our flight, and I’m still counting the days until it happens. In this case, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment above. For the love of God, save yourselves. Because I won’t. Aren’t our lives really just in God’s hands anyway?

Lastly, as you all know, smoking has been prohibited on flights for the last 20 years or something and tampering with smoke detectors in the lavatories is a federal offense. So if anyone needs nicotine gum, I brought a whole carton.

Thank you for your attention, and we wish you a better flight on American Airlines this time. The last one was miserable.