MDL-G’s SAT Tutor – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: MDL-G '16 | Art Editor: REZ '16

MDL-G’s SAT Tutor

  MDL-G '16

Elaine Sigal is widely known as the best SAT tutor in the world. Here is a list of her top tips for test survival.

  1. Before the test, write out the definitions to tricky words on a secret place on your body, like the soft area between your genitals and your rectum.
  2. Better yet, let Elaine Sigal write them there for you.
  3. Then drink eight cups of coffee. A constricted bladder increases secret place visibility.
  4. When you get in the room, let slip that you know Elaine Sigal. The proctor is a friend.
  5. This is very important. Make sure that no one can see your secret place.
  6. Always keep your cell phone on and ready. Text Elaine Sigal if you do not know an answer.
  7. Move with care and precision. You do not want to smudge your secret place.
  8. Bring a small mirror. It has multiple uses.
  9. See the middle-aged woman taking the test in the second row? That’s Elaine Sigal. Follow her lead.
  10. Don’t be a little bitch. Swallow anything Elaine Sigal slips you.
  11. At this point, your bladder might ache to the point where it feels like it’s speaking to you. Don’t listen.
  12. For an extra fee, Elaine Sigal will show you her secret place during breaks.
  13. Remember: Deny. Deny. Deny. They can’t prove shit.
  14. After the test, give your secret place a good wash. This isn’t really a testing tip but just general good advice.
  15. If you try all this and still don’t get the score you want, you might just not be that bright. Let Elaine Sigal buy you an ice cream cone.