Message from the Principal – The Harvard Lampoon

The American Dream #

| Issue Editor: CWW '16 | Art Editor: SESH '16

Message from the Principal

  ANA '17

We are all extremely excited for the big match tonight. But if we win, I must ask you: please do not riot. I understand rioting is a dark part of this school’s otherwise rich history. Indeed, we are still paying reparations for the riot of ’86.

But just because our mascot is named “Rioting Ronny” does not mean this school still condones literal rioting. We expect a metaphorical kind of rioting. Thank you to everyone who came out to last week’s creative poetry riot.  

Yes, winning an event this momentous creates a sense of euphoria that can only be contained by destroying as much property as possible. You think I don’t understand this? I was a student here in ’86. I get that there’s nothing quite like the thrill of you and three of your best friends stealing a used Pontiac and ghost riding it down Lincoln Street, years before ghost riding was even popular.

But that was a different time. A time when the cops were slower and the kerosene was cheaper. Regardless, if we win, please do not congregate around the glass museum adjacent to campus, or the fine china store that was recently built as an annex to the glass museum. And definitely avoid the Lightweight Car Emporium.

It’s true that we haven’t won in years and doing so would bring about a catharsis unmatched in your tender, young lives. We are talking about the South Jersey Debate League quarterfinal. But we owe it to these debaters to celebrate with them respectfully and not to riot on their behalf. At the very least, please do not flip the silver Pontiac Tempest located in spot 32, a car I have treasured since the 80s.