Midnight Snack – The Harvard Lampoon

Dead of Night #

| Issue Editor: GJA '17 | Art Editor: BAB '17

Midnight Snack

  LDL '19   NSG '20

Jacob says “I love casseroles”. He confirms this by taking a full casserole, eating it all, devouring it, cramming himself full of it, hiding inside of it, waiting outside a hotel room door in it, falling out of it and disappointing Man-of-the-Hour, Husband-to-Be, Bachelor-for-One-Last-Night-Only Tony, who just wanted to order a casserole and have a quiet moment to himself.

Tony’s other friends had planned a sick bachelor bash for Tony, but now Tony’s sitting in his hotel room with a casserole covered Jacob. Best man, Should-Have-Listened-To-Bash-Plans-More-Carefully-And-Not-Climbed-Into-That-Delicious-Casserole Jacob. Now and then, Tony takes a lick at the casserole juices in the corners of Jacob’s mouth. Since this is happening at the stroke of midnight, it is not only disgusting, but spooky.

Jacob asks, “How are you feeling?” Tony glances at the ring around his finger, remembers it’s not there yet, looks back at Jacob. “Pretty nervous,” he replies. “I think I just saw a shrimp in the casserole chunks on your shoulder and, as you know very well, I’m extremely allergic and now I might die before I marry the love of my life.”

Cue- an uncomfortable silence. Wandering, pulling out magazines to place on the hotel tables. Somewhere in the distance, Jacob can hear Tony’s other friends sticking to the schedule and begging a slut to climb into a cannoli, just like they all planned. “Well…” says Tony.

Really, he knows that everything will turn out fine.