Mom’s Recipe – The Harvard Lampoon

Disturbed Recesses of My Mind #

| Issue Editor: SLK '16 | Art Editor:

Mom’s Recipe

  RJS '17 , Art: MY '16

MY mom's recipe RJS

Hi Lauren,

Here is the recipe for those salmon burgers you love so much! I won’t be around to make them anymore since I’m leaving you and your father to follow my dream of becoming a rock bassist in Las Vegas. I hope every time you eat them, you think of me, but in a happy way.

My recipe calls for two pounds of salmon. You can probably use less than that since you’ll be feeding two people instead of three, and your father tends to lose his appetite when he gets depressed. One pound should be plenty. I always bought fresh Atlantic, but since you and your dad will be losing my income, you’ll want to go with canned.

Once you get the groceries back to whatever house you’ve downgraded to, put the salmon in a food processor along with some shallots and Dijon mustard. When I did this step, I would always let Flipper lick the spoon—that dog just loves mustard! Since I’m taking him with me to Vegas, you’ll have to skip that part.

Protective motherly instincts here: Don’t use the food processor without an adult there to supervise! When you turn ten in a few years, then you can use it on your own. As long as your dad agrees, anyway. I won’t be back by then (first world tour, baby!), so it’ll be up to him.

Once you’ve got a consistent mixture, shape it into three—sorry, two patties. Cook them in a nonstick skillet, and you’re done! When I made these recently for my drummer, Chaz, he came up with the special twist of adding a squeeze of lemon—it’s delicious and pairs well with a Cabernet and some romantic candlelight.

Don’t let your dad add too much mayo. His cardiovascular health is terrible. It is wholly up to you now to make sure he stays alive.