Annual Sale of Slightly Damaged and Irregular Merchandise
Smoke detector:
Will detect smoke in your kitchen, living room, attic, or any other area within a 50-mile radius.
Never stops buzzing. Batteries extra. ($3.00)
Retarded Cats:
Bio-genetics lab going out of business, didn’t have the heart to kill these poor mentally retarded
cars. Remarkably ugly; will eat anything. ($3.00)
Backyard Gnome with Exposed Penis:
This gnome needs a home. Lovingly hand-carved by former employee. ($3.00)
Swiss Watch:
This wristwatch is so finely-tuned and copiously oiled that it can do in one hour what it takes
other watches days to do. ($3.00)
30 Food Ladder-On-Wheels:
Slightly harder to use, but easier to move around. Fun for some. ($3.00)
Mirrored Shades:
These “cool-guy” shades are mirrored on the inside. Perfect for sitting around and staring into
your own eyes. Not for the emotionally unstable. ($3.00)
Brooklyn Bridge:
Official Certificate of Ownership entitles you to own large bridge in New York City. Please
enclose money order, delivery address, immigration papers. ($3.00)
Rodin’s “Thinker” Statue with Exposed Penis:
You can probably guess what’s on his mind. Perfect novelty gift, party favor, weighs one ton.
($3.00)
Discolored Blacklight Poster:
Sexy naked woman with glowing green pubic beard. ($3.00)
“Accolades”:
Receive gushing Kudos from Rex Reed, Jeffrey Lyons on your own film, novel, or family
Christmas newsletter. Available to you at the same prices the major studios pay. ($3.00)
Spat Rack:
Hang up your spats on this delightful rack. ($3.00)
Big Dead Fish with Used Cigar In Its Mouth:
Unpleasant, but priced to move. ($3.00)
Gardening Equipment:
Rake, hedge-trimmer, weedwacker. We borrowed them from the people next door, never returned
them. ($3.00)
Penis Extending Device:
Actually extends length of the male member. Stretches penis to a minimum of two feet or
snapping point, whichever comes first. ($3.00)
Automated Bullet Dispenser:
Coin-operated vending machine, ejects bullets at a potentially injurious velocity. South American
dictatorship reneged on their original order. Could be a money-maker in some areas. ($3.00)
Red Velour Pants:
Looks good, feels good. Perfect gift for grandchildren. Also good for monkeys and other animals
who can be made to wear clothes. ($3.00)
Life-At-A-Glance Daily Planner:
Keep track of important appointments, from youth to middle age to pre-death. Good through year
2065; includes zip codes for entire continental U.S. and future colonies on Omicron 5 and ghost
planet Rigel 7. ($3.00)
Grab-Bag:
Mystery Sack contains no more than 5 “jive-turkey” style personal items. Not for the easily
surprised. ($3.00)
Clown Bus:
Brightly-colored Volkswagen Microbus seats 5,000. Clown around and go in style. That’s an
order. ($3.00)
Reversible Corduroy Body-Buddy:
Luxuriate in the plush micro troughs of this miracle fabric. Hear it whisper sweet nothings to the
secret places of your bare body. Available in beige and brown. ($3.00)
Frenchman’s Wife:
Naughty Frenchman if off making hanky-panky with some other woman; left his wife
unattended. She wants nothing more than to please you and to avoid bathing. ($3.00)
Dog Phone:
Longer range than standard dog whistles. Encodes all sound into inaudible hyper-frequencies to
foil human eavesdroppers. ($3.00)
Smoking Monkey:
Eliminate the bad-tie blues and surplus tobacco simultaneously with this actual smoking
orangutan. ($3.00)
Super Mash Mouth Melts:
Fermented corn bootleg moonshine top-skim compressed into edible pellets. ($3.00)
Organically-Grown Human Head:
It frowns, it winks; it talks, it thinks. When you weary of conversation, simply submerge it in its
tank. Hair food extra. ($3.00)
Board Stretcher:
First day on the job? You’ll need one of these. Special bonus offer: also receive left-handed
screw pusher and burlap sack full of sky-hooks (variety of sizes and velocities). ($3.00)
Drinking Dog:
Plush-toy mock-up of generic beer company’s famous mascot. Added bonus: Famous Name
Person pliable figurine. ($3.00)
Satin Tour Jacket:
Look like a record company asshole for less than half the price. ($3.00)
Wolf Whistle:
Mouth-sized metal implement allows you to cut loose with the famous “wolf whistle.” Sure to be
a big hit with the kind of women who go for construction workers and garbage men.
Elvis Auto:
The only set of wheels classy enough to bear Elvis’s personal name. Altered ’73 Tomahawk is
shaped just like Elvis on all fours; wheels at hands and knees. You sit in Elvis’s mouth and drive
around. ($3.00)