Morton’s Mail Order – The Harvard Lampoon

Morton’s Mail Order

  PRS '87

Annual Sale of Slightly Damaged and Irregular Merchandise

Smoke detector:

Will detect smoke in your kitchen, living room, attic, or any other area within a 50-mile radius.

Never stops buzzing. Batteries extra. ($3.00)

Retarded Cats:

Bio-genetics lab going out of business, didn’t have the heart to kill these poor mentally retarded

cars. Remarkably ugly; will eat anything. ($3.00)

Backyard Gnome with Exposed Penis:

This gnome needs a home. Lovingly hand-carved by former employee. ($3.00)

Swiss Watch:

This wristwatch is so finely-tuned and copiously oiled that it can do in one hour what it takes

other watches days to do. ($3.00)

30 Food Ladder-On-Wheels:

Slightly harder to use, but easier to move around. Fun for some. ($3.00)

Mirrored Shades:

These “cool-guy” shades are mirrored on the inside. Perfect for sitting around and staring into

your own eyes. Not for the emotionally unstable. ($3.00)

Brooklyn Bridge:

Official Certificate of Ownership entitles you to own large bridge in New York City. Please

enclose money order, delivery address, immigration papers. ($3.00)

Rodin’s “Thinker” Statue with Exposed Penis:

You can probably guess what’s on his mind. Perfect novelty gift, party favor, weighs one ton.

($3.00)

Discolored Blacklight Poster:

Sexy naked woman with glowing green pubic beard. ($3.00)

“Accolades”:

Receive gushing Kudos from Rex Reed, Jeffrey Lyons on your own film, novel, or family

Christmas newsletter. Available to you at the same prices the major studios pay. ($3.00)

Spat Rack:

Hang up your spats on this delightful rack. ($3.00)

Big Dead Fish with Used Cigar In Its Mouth:

Unpleasant, but priced to move. ($3.00)

Gardening Equipment:

Rake, hedge-trimmer, weedwacker. We borrowed them from the people next door, never returned

them. ($3.00)

Penis Extending Device:

Actually extends length of the male member. Stretches penis to a minimum of two feet or

snapping point, whichever comes first. ($3.00)

Automated Bullet Dispenser:

Coin-operated vending machine, ejects bullets at a potentially injurious velocity. South American

dictatorship reneged on their original order. Could be a money-maker in some areas. ($3.00)

Red Velour Pants:

Looks good, feels good. Perfect gift for grandchildren. Also good for monkeys and other animals

who can be made to wear clothes. ($3.00)

Life-At-A-Glance Daily Planner:

Keep track of important appointments, from youth to middle age to pre-death. Good through year

2065; includes zip codes for entire continental U.S. and future colonies on Omicron 5 and ghost

planet Rigel 7. ($3.00)

Grab-Bag:

Mystery Sack contains no more than 5 “jive-turkey” style personal items. Not for the easily

surprised. ($3.00)

Clown Bus:

Brightly-colored Volkswagen Microbus seats 5,000. Clown around and go in style. That’s an

order. ($3.00)

Reversible Corduroy Body-Buddy:

Luxuriate in the plush micro troughs of this miracle fabric. Hear it whisper sweet nothings to the

secret places of your bare body. Available in beige and brown. ($3.00)

Frenchman’s Wife:

Naughty Frenchman if off making hanky-panky with some other woman; left his wife

unattended. She wants nothing more than to please you and to avoid bathing. ($3.00)

Dog Phone:

Longer range than standard dog whistles. Encodes all sound into inaudible hyper-frequencies to

foil human eavesdroppers. ($3.00)

Smoking Monkey:

Eliminate the bad-tie blues and surplus tobacco simultaneously with this actual smoking

orangutan. ($3.00)

Super Mash Mouth Melts:

Fermented corn bootleg moonshine top-skim compressed into edible pellets. ($3.00)

Organically-Grown Human Head:

It frowns, it winks; it talks, it thinks. When you weary of conversation, simply submerge it in its

tank. Hair food extra. ($3.00)

Board Stretcher:

First day on the job? You’ll need one of these. Special bonus offer: also receive left-handed

screw pusher and burlap sack full of sky-hooks (variety of sizes and velocities). ($3.00)

Drinking Dog:

Plush-toy mock-up of generic beer company’s famous mascot. Added bonus: Famous Name

Person pliable figurine. ($3.00)

Satin Tour Jacket:

Look like a record company asshole for less than half the price. ($3.00)

Wolf Whistle:

Mouth-sized metal implement allows you to cut loose with the famous “wolf whistle.” Sure to be

a big hit with the kind of women who go for construction workers and garbage men.

Elvis Auto:

The only set of wheels classy enough to bear Elvis’s personal name. Altered ’73 Tomahawk is

shaped just like Elvis on all fours; wheels at hands and knees. You sit in Elvis’s mouth and drive

around. ($3.00)