I already know what’s going to be said in my eulogy.“Jeremy was such a good dude,” blah blah blah. Then something similarly obvious, like, “He taught me everything I know. Everything. My name is Michael Jordan, by the way.Thank you, thank you. Don’t feel weird about applauding. Jeremy always said that, up in heaven, you can’t tell who the claps are for.”
The rest is just as predictable. “While I was wasting time being the best player in history, Jeremy was serving his country as clerk at a video store. He worked really hard sometimes and eventually got promoted to fired. After that, Jeremy was heavily recruited by the Chicago Bulls to play alongside me, Scotty Pippen, and Dennis Rodman as janitor. We luckily got him on board, starting our long friendship of me scoring lots of baskets.
“Jeremy and I were inseparable. Sometimes, my press conferences would get so packed that all I could see was a sea of excited faces. Other times, Jeremy would try to steal equipment from the locker room and I would beat the shit out of him.
“People say I was the first person to dunk from the free throw line. And I was. But the one-handed dunk with the other hand making a hand monocle around his eye? All Jeremy.
“You may not have known that, though, because Jeremy was a pretty private guy. I remember everyone was always putting me on the cover of their magazines and making me MVP of stuff. But not Jeremy. Now there was a guy who knew the meaning of fidelity. Jeremy married the first girl he ever kissed and lived with her in the same garage his parents use for their cars. Incidentally, that was also where a crazed fan brutally murdered him. A tragedy. Oh, sorry. Read that part wrong. Everyone knows Jeremy choked himself too hard while masturbating.
“Look. I’ve hit some big shots in my career. Whether it was my 50 points against the Bucks in ’89 or the buzzer-beater that sunk the Jazz in ’97, I came through when my team needed me. Sure, that made me real important in basketball history. But you should have felt the pure exhilaration I did as each of those shots swished in with perfect ease. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My agent will be standing at the exit. If you took any pictures, he says you should give him your camera. Apparently I’ve been standing next to a dead guy this whole time.”