HELLO LAMPOON READERS,
Did you enjoy our last issue the Last Ditch Effort #? Well, the thing is, I had a good premise for the issue but didn’t get it done in time (there have been many small fires here at Lampoon HQ and I’ve been very stressed having to light them all). This is my last ditch effort. I talked to HJH and OJ (editors of this issue, nice kids, named Hillgin and Ollgin). They say it’s totally cool for you to rip out this page and staple it inside Last Ditch Effort. If you do not have a stapler, go to our website and you can pay for a Harvard Lampoon stapler subscription. Your first stapler will be sent one year from now.
The Campaign: An Oral History
Robert Rike (Campaign Manager): It’s 5:00 PM. I get a call from Pat Kornfeld saying he wants to run for president. I tell him the election’s tomorrow. He’ll never win. And that we’ve never met. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s Pat and he’s holding a sign that reads “I am President.”
Ken Burns (Historian): Every day, someone asks me what my favorite History is. Even when I’m in the middle of telling them what my favorite History is. There’s no contest, it’s when Pat Kornfeld pulled an all-nighter to run for president.
Kelly Rike: At 5:01 PM I heard two people downstairs yell and high-five for fifty minutes. Right away, I called 911 to report that my husband was going to be the president’s friend.
911: People always call to tell us about their husbands’ friends. This makes us pissed.
Robert Rike: Once we finished high-fiving eight times, we put on suits and learned how to tie a tie from YouTube. Then we watched the funniest YouTube video. Have you seen those things??
Ken Burns: It’s reported that they watched two and half hours of YouTube fail compilations that night.
Pat Kornfeld (Candidate): I thought being the president meant you get to park your car anywhere you want. Then I found out people will pay you to park at their house. That’s when I decided to run.
Kelly Rike: I’m on the phone with 911, and they were pissed off. So I say, “911, eat dirt. Goodbye.” I didn’t hang up, but it felt great.
911: As 911, we understand some people insult us just to get their rocks off. It fills us with rage.
Pat Kornfeld: We laughed at a lot of videos, but I was getting nervous. The sun was coming up and I hadn’t even begun thinking about all the places I could park my car and how much money I’d get paid. Where was I going to put all the money?
Robert Rike: After watching the about five-thousandth set of nuts get crushed, I realized we hadn’t done any campaigning. I’d been taking my work home with me so much recently. I was really proud for giving myself a night off. Then we watched some vine compilations.
911: At this point, we were mad as hell. But per protocol we can’t hang up on anyone. We did dispatch an officer to go shoot her phone with a taser. I always knew having one phone line would be a problem because someone could stay on the call and not hang up, but I never expected anything like this.
Ken Burns (former cop): Per protocol, I got out of my squad car and knocked on the front door opened it and yelled inside, “Police, open up. Also I hope to become a famous historian filmmaker someday.” Crazy to think even then, I knew.
Pat Kornfeld: I thought the cops were there for me. I’d actually been parking in people’s front yards for a few weeks, demanding they pay me. Then I’d always forget where I parked my car, so I had to go steal a new one.
Kelly Rike: After I ran out of 911 insult jokes (these are blonde jokes with 911 substituted in) and had gotten my rocks off, I decided to tell them one thing about my husband’s candidate and hang up.
911: She told us he’d make it illegal for anyone to piss us off. That’s why we used our fifty-million votes.
Ken Burns: President Pat Kornfeld will be remembered for being one of the greatest in American history. It is too bad the day after his campaign they pulled an all-nighter to carry out his assassination.