My Political Platform – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: SWR '19 | Art Editor: SW '20

My Political Platform

  MJS '19

* We don’t need stronger borders, we need a shittier country.
* The only thing Americans have to fear is fear itself. But a very close second is old people touching you and their hands are wet.
* Every child should be given the opportunity to succeed, unless that child lies about his Dad being a Navy Seal and says my dad’s mega-gay for being a dentist.
* People should never expect a handout. Uncle Sam is not Santa Claus. He’s more like the Easter Bunny. He shits in your yard and your kids have to pick it up.
* If you shoot an animal, you are evil. But if you shoot a person, guns are evil. If an animal shoots a person, vegans are evil.
* Israel should cease all new settlements immediately. In return, Palestinians should let them come and settle over there.
* The worst double standard is that the carvers of Mount Rushmore are celebrated but the doctor in Human Centipede is vilified by the popular media.
* There are no poor people in America, only those who lack the drive to give a proper blowjob in the bathroom of a Stop n’ Shop.