My Teeth – The Harvard Lampoon

Young and Misunderstood #

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My Teeth

  JGS '20

The best part about having my teeth in my hands was the incentive to become ambidextrous so I could brush each set of teeth with the opposite hand. The worst part is that I did not become ambidextrous and the right hand’s teeth are rotting. Another worst part is that I can hurt my loved ones just by touching them. Working as a receptionist is also hard.

When I interviewed for the job, I built fake hands I could wear to hide my teeth. But I accidentally built teeth into those too so I wore gloves instead. Boss stood up at the end and said, “Missy, you can work here forever, provided that it never turns out you have teeth under those gloves.” I asked him the reason for his policy. He said, “I think teeth are scary. And if they were on hands? Even scarier.”

After my first week, my computer keyboard was completely chewed up. To cover, I brought my dog to work and told Boss that Carol in accounting ate my keyboard. Most days for lunch, I have to chew up my food in advance at home. At lunchtime, I take out the mushy food, become repulsed, and buy a smoothie instead.

Other times, I put my hands in my mouth and pretend like I’m a normal girl with mouth teeth. This was such a bad idea. It worked so well that Boss asked me on a date. That really worried me. The date might make my co-workers uncomfortable. Boss had a wife and six kids, and everyone at the office hated kids.

After Boss filed for divorce and spent a year in a custody battle, it was date night. I was scared the dinner restaurant wouldn’t have drinkable entrees. But it didn’t even matter. Boss found out my secret: I can’t read at all. Like, not even a menu. And then my sloppy joe came and he found out about the teeth.

Boss looked at my teeth. Then he looked at me. I looked at him. He closed his eyes and started leaning in. He kept leaning and leaning and then his face hit the table because he passed out. Except Boss passed out so hard that he died.