New Sheriff – The Harvard Lampoon

The American Dream #

| Issue Editor: CWW '16 | Art Editor: SESH '16

New Sheriff

  ASB '17 , Art: ARC '18

arc new sheriff asb

Seemed like every other day there was a new sheriff in town, taking care of brawls down the main road. Crime plummeted, but we had a new problem. We couldn’t take care of all these sheriffs.

They had to be kept busy. It was a one horse town, and that horse was charged with vagrancy. The town got tough on public drunkenness, and tougher on excessive sobriety. The women’s bathrooms were now brothels. Trespassers were transferred to the men’s bathrooms, which were now holding cells.

Duels became Mexican Standoffs. Mexican Standoffs became 12 sheriffs beating up a stableboy.

We robbed the bank until they arrested all the getaway drivers. Then we deposited the money back and made savings accounts illegal.

Bandits could be brought back dead or a live, pending a moral consensus reached by a sheriff majority. Ideally, it was catch and release. Sometimes bandits would ride off into the sunset, and that was considered a good head start.

We were surprisingly ineffective defending the town, as one-third of our population was getting too old for this shit. Still another third wasn’t seeing like they used to.

Sometimes Lonestar Joe would come around to give the sheriffs trouble, sweeping through town while they tried to get a shot at him. Secretly we loved Lonestar, because we created Lonestar. Lonestar Joe was a tumbleweed with an eyepatch.

Eventually the sheriffs skipped town, and we stopped raising our families in the county jail. It was a bittersweet moment, as there wasn’t much to do without them.

Luckily, there was a new sheriff in town, and we planned on shooting him.