Pacific King Salmon 2 – The Harvard Lampoon

Ice Cold Water #

| Issue Editor: JEY '15 | Art Editor: PHM '15

Pacific King Salmon 2

KPFS '15

 

The Oncorhynchus tshawytscha or ‘King Salmon,’ as they prefer to be called, is the ice coldest of fish, and not only because they’ll kill a sibling without thinking twice, without even knowing. The water they live in is ice fucking cold, so so are they.

 

I know what you’re thinking, ‘Not all of these salmon could be ice cold!’ But trust me, they are. It’s not proven that their hearts are solid ice, but it’s nearly impossible to disprove. Of course, it thaws when they’re caught. Fishing boats are warmer than the ocean, and a fisherman’s touch is warmest of all.

 

They live a long and hard life—anywhere from one to eight years in the ice cold water of the ice cold ocean. Their lives are longer than many ornamental fish and way colder than most human’s. They hardly ever come home to visit their mother, but that’s because she is dead and really literally ice cold or rotting. They don’t like to think about it but probably could. Anyway, they spend a long time in the ocean, so even though they start out warm, they end up cold, ice cold.

 

But no matter how long they live in ice cold ocean, they always return home in the end, before they freeze over. And not just as Prince Salmon but as ice cold motherfucking King Salmon. They earned their proverbial crown, toughing it out in the ocean that is colder than your tiny fucking brain could possibly fucking imagine—cold water probably freezing their already ice cold hearts. But it’s not over yet. There’s another 1900-mile journey to go before they reach their proposal grounds. It’s an incredible distance, which some people might make for sex but apparently not for companionship.
It’s not going to be easy. It’s a long trip to keep up conversation with a girl King Salmon, and trust me, you don’t want to make that trip silent. But you probably will since that girl King Salmon is the iciest motherfucker in the entire fucking ocean, in the entire fucking world. They must be so icy cold when they arrive, but they certainly don’t let on like most people would. But they make it because they understand something certain people don’t—they’re not going to live forever, and they don’t have the heart (it literally freezes near the end) or lifespan to play games anymore.