Paternity Test – The Harvard Lampoon

Best Medicine #

| Issue Editor: JDA '12 | Art Editor:

Paternity Test

  ZEW '14 , Art: IVP '12

IVP paternity test


Please, have a seat. I should let you know, I’m unwilling to test to see if I’m the father. Too many surprises in the past. Also, you must know that these tests are not 100% accurate. Biology is not a science.


Confidentiality is very important here. Everything stays between you, me, and the webcam audience.


Let’s take a quick blood sample from you and your baby, sir. Don’t worry about the needles. We ensure their safety by testing them on other patients.


I would offer you a transfusion, but I have no idea how they work. But you’re okay, your humors are just out of balance. If you’d like, I’ve been dying to show the interns how to inject bile. Either way, once Venus rises tomorrow night, you’ll feel like a new man.


Now, before I reveal the results, you have the opportunity to guess if you’re the father. If you’re right, you win any one of my intern’s organs. If you’re wrong, I get the baby.


The good news is you are the father. Wait, sorry. I was holding the test upside down. The baby is your father.