Pitch Meeting, 1973 – The Harvard Lampoon

The American Dream #

| Issue Editor: CWW '16 | Art Editor: SESH '16

Pitch Meeting, 1973

  HSB '17

The Vietnam War and the Watergate scandal left America divided and cynical, searching for something, anything to believe in.


– I hear you’ve got a pilot that plays well in (gestures to map of America) every demographic.

– Success is making yourself indispensable. America needs the Phawongo right now.

– But this is unbelievable: The militant left, neonatals, even the silent majority is screaming for more Phawongo.

– The Phawongo, he’s a high concept monster with a heart.

– Greg, my hands are getting clammy, my eyes are watering up. I think my heart just decided to move out of the house. I’m that excited.

– The way I see it the Phawongo may eat little kids but he doesn’t napalm villages. He doesn’t burn hooches.

– Phawongo, Wongogate, Waternixon. Are you feeling what I’m feeling Greg?

– He’s fun too, you know. He’s downtown. He may be the first high concept monster who knows how to get down.

– But no drugs right? And believe me when I say I really, really want drugs in primetime.

– No drugs. He’s clean cut but he’s downtown. He’s like a historic downtown monster: think Italy, think Venice.

– He’s urbane, he’s Venice, he’s Europe, he’s America.

– He’s an underdog Mr. Biddle. The Phawongo loves to be underestimated.

– This Phawongo almost has too much going for him. He’s not gunning for my job is he?

– Well he’s paper mache and

– Listen, Greg, baby, I don’t need the details. Just tell me you can keep him under control.

– I can’t but Ms. Phawongo can. She’s this little monster with a big personality. You give her a show too and he’s the happiest monster in the world.

– Greg, I sit behind this desk night and day cultivating a sense of what the good shit is. I make it, I sell it, I ship it. And right now, I can tell you that you’ve got it.