Policeman’s Anxiety – The Harvard Lampoon

Hey You Yeah You Quit Pulling My Leg #

| Issue Editor: LAS '19 | Art Editor: LAS '19

Policeman’s Anxiety

  AMP '20

1. I put my gun in my back pocket and then everyone thinks I have a weirdly shaped butt.
2. I’m in a situation where I have to scream, “DANGER.” I mess up and say, “DOONGREB.” No one gets it and everyone dies.
3. After years of hard work I finally catch the Town Strangler. As I put the criminal in a chokehold, he dies. I am now the Town Strangler. The guilt is a lot to bear.
4. I have to investigate myself. I don’t work well with my partner: also me. During an argument I accidentally release that nude photo from my trip to Vegas.
5. I am strangled in my own home by a masked man. The Nanny Cam in my house catches it all. I am no longer the Town Strangler. My conscience feels clearer.
6. I review surveillance tapes for the local high school. I discover that Principal Morrison is strangling students. I arrest him as the Town Strangler. DNA testing reveals he’s not the Town Strangler. The precinct releases Morrison. He accuses me of slander but after many apologetic coffees with Morrison and his extended family he decides to drop the charges.
7. The police chief is strangled right in his office at the precinct. The legal paperwork piles up. So does the feeling of inadequacy.
8. Another cop tells me that they saw Marty loading my gun with paintballs again. I go into a blind rage at his lack of concern for gun safety. I reload my gun and shoot Marty in the face. He dies instantly. Turns out he was the real Town Strangler and I’m a hero, given a key to the city, and get free popcorn for life at the movie theater!
9. I lose the key and the city is overrun with crime. I have to work overtime.
10. I am not invited to the Policeman’s Ball. The new police chief brings me as his +1 because of problems with his wife.
11. I have to miss the Policeman’s Ball because of an unrelated conflict. Even though my friends told me they wished I was there, I can tell I wasn’t really missed.