Post-Game Press Conference – The Harvard Lampoon

Lap of the Gods#

| Issue Editor: EFM '09 | Art Editor: DNA '10

Post-Game Press Conference

  AMG '10

Without Jesus, nothing is possible. Absolutely nothing. Trees, forests, beautiful birds and their colors, nothing. Things as complicated as football touchdowns and football championships, no way in hell without any of the Jesuses. Without any of the Jesuses, for instance passing game Jesus and defensive stand followed by blocked punt Jesus, today’s victory would not have been possible. Not only did adult Jesus make touchdowns beautiful, he granted me five of them in today’s championship game. More importantly, he granted the opposing team only two touchdowns.

At various points in today’s game, baby Jesus was there as well. In fact, now that I think about it, baby Jesus was all over the fucking place tonight. The recovered fumbles? Baby Jesus at it. The other team’s missed tackles? Baby Jesus at it again. The team spirit? Baby Jesus, baby. In the locker room during halftime, baby Jesus was there to remind our unstable yet endearing 2651b linebacker Rayshawn Markshow to love, which prevented Rayshawn from hurting us, his teammates. Don’t listen to those bad things Rayshawn said to you, baby Jesus; you really outdid yourself tonight. 

So many Jesuses have done so many things for me this season. Today’s championship game was really just icing on top of this big Jesus cake I’ve been continually enjoying this year. I mean, there were plenty of mornings this season when I didn’t want to get out of bed and train. So I didn’t. And like a magical alarm clock or some shit like that, strength and conditioning coach Jesus lifted me out of my bed and threw me into the weight room. At that point at six in the morning, I would lie on the ground and weights would float up and down over my head. “These he’ah weights bein’ lifted n’ sheeit,” he would say, in his unique strength and conditioning coach Jesus bayou accent. So thanks for these muscles,strength and conditioning coach Jesus. 

There are just so many Jesuses to thank for today’s victory. If I’ve left any out, I’d like to thank them too. This means you Uncle Jesus and Aunt Jesus, referee Jesus,and maybe even offensive coordinator Jesus. I’d also like to offer a preemptive thank you for the celebration that’s going to occur tonight. So here’s to you, bartender Jesus.