Principal’s Address – The Harvard Lampoon

Break of Day #

| Issue Editor: NM '17 | Art Editor: BAB '17

Principal’s Address

  BJS '18

Attention: If you are the student who has been covering the school in art, now would be a great time to come and reveal yourself. Tell us your name so we can honor you properly.

Some teachers may call what you do “vandalism.” They are just jealous of the enormous boobs that you paint in the hallways. Sure, books can be good to read but they look much better torn up and also covered in large boobs. We thank you for showing us this.

But we plead for your days of anonymity to end. The teachers do not know who they should let miss class whenever they want so they can go and create. Parents have been writing me letters saying that if they knew their child was the artist, they would let them play Playstation on school nights.

I’m growing equally anxious to know who you are. I dipped into the Principal’s Fund and bought you and me brand new motorcycles. I know you’re probably underage but I just think drag racing with you would be so dope.

The students might be your biggest fans yet. Lucy Hosking, the hottest girl in the whole school, has been waiting in my office for a week and says she will not leave until she gets her hands on this virtuoso. And you know who else is here fighting Lucy for you? Her identical twin.

Even the school council is desperate to build a statue of you. But if they don’t know what you look like they’re going to use fat old Huey Melville as a model. Is this what you want? Huey’s gross.

Come forward or history will forget you! And the cafeteria will cancel their plans to serve pizza every meal. You need to receive the credit you deserve. Those boobs in the gym are just extraordinary. I want some in my house.