Products… for the Tough – The Harvard Lampoon

Products… for the Tough

  SEY '87

The Tough Company, Inc. is proud to offer these exclusive products for our tough patrons. Not for everyone, these products will brand you (often for life!) as a person willing and able to go beyond the normal boundaries of daring and endurance. Happy shopping!

 

Sandblasting Shower Head. Shower the natural, wild way, with high pressure abrasives that carve off the most stubborn soil. Comes with air compressor, 50 lbs sand (reusable). $38.00

 

Outlet Tester. Is that outlet live? Find out quickly with this handy kit. Includes uninsulated copper wire, instruction booklet. $.27

 

Lightning Rod Golf Hat. Sure, golf is kind of a sissy sport, but this little gadget will put some real-life danger into your game. Specify color, antenna alloy. $27.00

 

Shock Amplifiers. Now you can have the ride and handling of an old pick-up truck even if you order a modern sedan. Sturdy iron. Order a set for every vehicle in the family. Set of 4: $38.00

 

Tattoo Kit. Now you can look just as tough as the next guy, at a fraction of the price. Kit includes food coloring, X-Acto knife, instructions. $38.27

 

Dented Canned Goods Bonanza. We just received a giant shipment. Some are very old. These coveted treats will disappear fast, so order now. $.27 ea.

 

Insta-Release Lawnmower Blade. With the flick of a switch, this highly-tempered blade detaches and cuts an instant swath of destruction in any direction it damn well pleases. Unpredictable fun. $380.00

 

Sweat Soap. For those embarrassing times when you’ve been sedentary and cool all day, but still want to smell like a real guy. Comes plain or with mixed-in dirt. $3.80

 

Steel Tongue Bar. A convenient way to find out how cold those winter days are. Touch the bar with the tip of your tongue when you first go out in the morning. Mounting bracket included. $38.00

 

Glass Grinder. Don’t throw out those old bottles, jars, lightbulbs! Put them through this grinder and add to soups, salads, etc. Comes with three attachments: chunk, chip, dust. $38.00

 

Aerosol Can Incinerator. Never mind what they say–this is the only way to get rid of those old cans. Comes with heating element, observation port. Puncturing tool optional. $270.00

 

Super Tanning Lens. Get a darker, quicker tan with this umbrella-sized magnifying lens. Set it up, adjust the focal point, and sit back and relax. $270.00

 

Headless Thumbtacks. Compact, unobtrusive. Harder to use than normal ones. Package of fifty. $2.70

 

Free with every order of $10 or more: Stare at the Sun, by Bernie Retna. This popular book tells how to get the most out of prolonged sun-gazing. How to get started, what to look for, more. 61 pages. Braille key included.