PTA – The Harvard Lampoon

Symphonia Fantastica #

| Issue Editor: | Art Editor: JFAR '19

PTA

  MAG '21

-Hey Brian, remember when you joined the school glee club to get closer to Mindy?

-Of course. After a season of learning and effort, we won regionals and I won her heart. Why?

-I did you one better. I joined the PTA to get closer to Mr. Regan.

-The town butcher?

-He’s also Rita Regan’s dad.

-Gross. Why?

-You know how you started hanging out with Mindy to get kisses from Mindy?

-Yeah.

-Well, since I’ve started hanging out with Mr. Regan I get flank steak for $7.89 a pound.

-Isn’t that already how much it costs?

-I get first choice on the cuts of meat too.

-That doesn’t seem worth having to hang out with an old man.

-It’s actually a lot harder than it sounds. I’m the swing vote in the upcoming PTA meeting on whether or not they can have plastic knives at the Spring Fling dance. I’m getting a lot of pressure from Marcia Harden and the 10th grade moms to vote no, but Mr. Regan and the guys from our fantasy baseball league are assuring me the dance won’t be the same if people aren’t able to cut their cake. Now, don’t get me started on Ben Macklemore and his gang of faculty chaperones that think “plastic knives don’t lead to plastic violence, they lead to real violence.” People are bribing me left and right: free parking spot for my dad, unlimited hall passes for the semester, skeleton key for the locks on the bike rack, starting punter on the JV team, fresh-baked lemon squares from Mrs. Hodges’ bakery, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da, you know the drill. It’s a real pickle. I haven’t slept or done homework or been to class in months. And get this: I’m a ninth grader. I’m not even allowed at the dance! 

-Wow, seems like you’ve got a lot on your plate.

-This is my life now. Anyways, enough about me. How are things with Mindy?

-We broke up.

-Cool.

-Not really.