Ransom Call – The Harvard Lampoon

Smash and Grab #

| Issue Editor: ZEW '14 | Art Editor: SSR '15

Ransom Call

  JDM '14

– Hello?

– We’ve kidnapped the woman you love. If you ever –

– Oh my God, Sarah?!

– Sarah? No, we’ve got Mary.

– Oh, yeah, Mary.

– She’s not your girlfriend?

– No, Mary’s my girlfriend. Or we’re dating, at least.

– Then who’s Sarah?

– She’s someone I dated a year ago, before she…anyway, you got Mary?

– Yeah, and if you want her back, you’re gonna have to pay us one million dollars.

– Woah, that much?

– But you’re a multi-millionaire, right?

– I am, but…did Mary call herself my girlfriend?

– Look, she’s gonna die if you don’t pay up.

– But I worry about leading her on too much. What’s that sound?

– She’s hyperventilating through her tape gag.

– Ugh, I hate it when she mouth-breathes. Can I have some time to think about this?

– You have one week.

– So next week…hey, that’s my birthday!

– We’re gonna start pistol-whipping her after you hang up.


– Wow, you guys are good. How much to do the same to Sarah so I can bail her out?

– Two million.

– Done, great. Talk to you soon.