Schedule for The League of Assassins Conference Cape Girardeau Convention Center – The Harvard Lampoon

Bill Emerson Memorial Bridge #

| Issue Editor: KPB '12 | Art Editor: ARD '12

Schedule for The League of Assassins Conference Cape Girardeau Convention Center

  BUS '11

9:00 AM: Our new president, John Kingsley, will outline his five-year plan for the League.

9:30 AM: New vice president, David Segal, will hold a meeting to discuss fundraising ideas.

10:00 AM: Training seminar on the six ways to kill someone by shooting them in the head.

11:00 AM: Funeral for former president John Kingsley.

11:30 AM: New president David Segal will say a few words about former president John Kingsley.

11:45 AM: Elections for the new vice president will be held in the John Kingsley Memorial Auditorium.

11:50 AM: Funeral for former president David Segal.

12:00 PM: Lunch

1:00 PM: Ballot-counting for the elections.

1:20 PM: Tim Douglas is named the new president.

1:22 PM: Dual funeral for our ballot-counters.

1:25 PM: Private meeting between president Tim Douglas and his three top choices for vice president in the new bullet-proof President Room.

1:27 PM: Fourth-choice vice presidential candidate Harvey Lewis will be named acting president.

1:30 PM: Funeral for Tim Douglas, Ben Douglas, Tom Douglas, and Wayne Douglas.

2:30 PM: Funeral intermission.

2:40 PM: Funeral resumes.

3:00 PM: Candlelit vigil for all our fallen leaders.

3:05 PM: Fire.

3:30 PM: President Harvey Lewis will hold a meeting announcing the abolition of funerals, as they take too much time. To be held in the bullet-proof, fire-proof President Room.

3:31 PM: James Norton will be sworn in as president. Harvey Lewis is unceremoniously forgotten.

3:45 PM: President James Norton will relocate to the new, impenetrable underwater President Room, which is now equipped with motion sensors and a laser grid.

3:50 PM: Locks installed on the President Room.

4:00 PM: President James Norton will outline his five-year plan for the League, via webcam.