Serial Killer Convention – The Harvard Lampoon

Disturbed Recesses of My Mind #

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Serial Killer Convention

  SWR '19

– So what’s your gimmick?

Uh, I guess minorities. And poor people.

– What? No, like what’s your murdering shtick? You wear a costume? Got a catchphrase?

– I mean I usually kill families.

– Come on, that’s no gimmick. Everybody has some kind of fun trick.

– I don’t really do anything fun.

– For example, I like to wear a wetsuit. Or Dave over there does something with math.

– I guess… well I do this one thing.

– Let’s hear it! Don’t be shy.

– Okay. I start by poisoning the kids and forcing the parents to watch them scream and choke and die. Then I chop up the parents and arrange their body parts on the kitchen counter, so that when the kids wake up from the temporary poison I gave them, they can still recognize its their mom and dad up there but it’s pretty clear they’ve been slaughtered. Then I sit myself down at the head of the dining room table and tell them I’m hungry for parents tonight and if I don’t eat soon I’m gonna do something real bad. So the kids cook up their parents and I bark orders at them like “cut off all the hair” or “make soup out of the fingers” or “preheat the oven to 350º.” Then when they’re all done cooking I have them serve me the meal on fancy dishware and we all sit down like a good family as they watch me eat. I ask them how school’s going and what they watch on TV, just light conversation. Then when I’m done I thank them for the meal, tell them they have a lovely home, and blow the place up as I walk out. Then I slip away, moving from town to town like a forceful stream, eroding everything in my path, shuffling the dirt beneath my current, and leaving behind a cloud of murky dust in my unrelenting wake.

– Props dude. You picked a good gimmick.