Shark Attacks – The Harvard Lampoon

One Head in the Kill Machine #

| Issue Editor: JBO '10 | Art Editor: JBO '10

Shark Attacks

  BUS '11

If you’ve ever been in the water, you know that shark attacks are virtually guaranteed. They can happen at any time and in any place, except on land or at midnight. Here are a few tips for defending yourself against a shark attack.

– Play dead. Sharks have a primitive sensory system based mainly on movement, and let’s face it, how are they even going to find the cemetery?

– Disguise yourself as a shark by attaching a fin to your head and breathing through your gills. This disguise will fool the other humans, who will flee the
beach in terror, but not the sharks, who will be offended by your simplistic caricature and eat you with relish.

– Before you go in the water, swallow two cyanide capsules. When a shark eats your already lifeless body, it will experience an unpleasant aftertaste.

– Before you go in the water, swallow two hydrogen bombs. Sharks are allergic to hydrogen.

– If you see a shark attacking you, try to punch it in the nose before it finishes digesting your abdomen. If you don’t see a shark attacking you, it has
already eaten your eyeballs.

– Sometimes sharks will attack in pairs. Look out!

– A common misconception about sharks is that if they stop moving, they die. In reality, if they stop moving, they cry. Sharks are immortal.