Speech For Tonight – The Harvard Lampoon

Celebration #

| Issue Editor: RIP '09 | Art Editor:

Speech For Tonight

  RIP '09

Hi everyone. I’m Jess’ father. Thank you all for coming to Jess’s sweet sixteen. It seems like only yesterday that my daughter was fifteen years, eleven months, and twenty-nine days old. [pause for laughs] All kidding aside, I want to keep this brief and say to my little girl how proud I am to be her father. | Jess, I love you with all my heart, and I thank God every day that I’m the lucky guy who gets to be your father, [pulls out gun and shoot neighbor] Everyone stay calm! There’s no need to panic. The man I killed is not a human. He is a robot. Look. Look at his chest, [pull out the wires] Do you see these? Robot wires. Ladies and gentlemen, I have reason to believe that eight months ago this robot killed and ate my real human neighbor with the intent to spy on me and my family, and I could not let that happen. I invited him here tonight to confirm once and for all whether he was man or machine, and I did that by studying his response to a tender moment between father and daughter that would sway even the hardest of human hearts. As suspected, this robot did not even bat an eye. I apologize for scaring everyone, but you have to understand that I had to outwit that robot. Please relax and enjoy the rest of the party. Jess, I love you. Also don’t forget to- [pull out gun, shoot dentist] Everyone stay calm! That was it. That was the last robot, I promise. Take a look at his wires. This robot was also going to kill me and my family, but it’s over now. Anyway, what I was going to say before is don’t forget to sign Jess’s poster board.