It is with a great heaviness in my heart and a “:(“ on the screen of my TI-89 that I must inform you we can no longer be study buddies. I know this may come as a shock, which is why I have taken the time to write you this in-depth explanation and leave it in a place you are likely to find it, but without a return address or further method of contacting me.
I have chosen to terminate this study buddy relationship not out of malice, but out of genuine concern for our ability to be an effective team. You see, I work best when I can make a comprehensive study guide and review concepts well before a given assignment is due. You are a mountain gorilla. I do not know how best you work, but it is not conducive to my particular style.
Frankly, you possess a singular selfishness when it comes to sharing answers. I remember before the big final, when I generously gave you my complete study guide and you refused to even let me glimpse the corrected papers you had strewn to construct a nest in my stepmom’s rumpus room. You are also strong. So very very strong.
We are supposed to be friends and help each other on assignments. There is no “i” in “study buddies.” It really makes more of an “ee” sound. In “study buddies,” there is only “bud.” And “dies,” but this is unrelated.
I am sorry it had to end this way. See you in homeroom.