Substitute Drill Sergeant – The Harvard Lampoon

Last Ditch Effort #

| Issue Editor: HLD '18 | Art Editor: KDF '19

Substitute Drill Sergeant

  JGS '20

Sgt. Levin: Attention, Privates! Sgt. Reese is sick, so I’ll be filling in.

O’Neal: Sir, Sgt. Reese normally lets us play with the bazookas on Fridays, Sir.

Weiss: Sir, and the C-4, Sir.

Sgt. Levin: Well don’t just stand there! To the rocket launchers!


Sgt. Levin: Drop and give me 200!

Jones: Sir, can I use this Pushups Coupon, Sir?

Sgt. Levin: Private, what the hell is a Pushups Coupon?

Jones: Sgt. Reese gave me it so I can skip pushups one time, Sir.

Miller: Sir, I also have a Pushups Coupon but I lost it, Sir.

Sgt. Levin: Why are you two still here? Go rest!


Sgt. Levin: Where’s Pvt. Moore? You’re getting sent into combat early.

Walch: (giggling) Sir, that’s me, Sir!

Moore: Sir, my name’s Pvt. Walch, Sir!

Hollander: Sir, my name is Pvt. Penis, Sir!

Privates: (laughing)

Sgt. Levin: Stop it! (aside) Don’t let it go to your head, Penis. Don’t listen to them. Don’t react. That’s what they want. Penis, they’re just bullies.


Sgt. Levin: Is this seat taken?

Friedman: Sir, Sgt. Reese eats lunch in the basement, Sir.


Sgt. Levin: Pvt. Berg, what’s this I feel on my back?

Berg: Sir, it’s a patch that says “kick me.” It’s part of the new uniform.

Sgt. Levin: Does it stand for anything?

Berg: Uhh…no.


Sgt. Levin: Privates, meet my boss, General Roskin.

Roskin: I’m here for a somber occasion, men.

Sgt. Levin: Pvt. Penis has died in battle.

Nelson: You sick bastard. Have you no respect for the dead?

Sgt. Levin: Grow up. No one loved Penis more than me.