Subway Etiquette – The Harvard Lampoon

By Any Means Necessary #

| Issue Editor: ACW '15 | Art Editor: SESH '16

Subway Etiquette

  EIS '16 , Art: YZ '17


Riding the subway can sometimes be stressful, especially for first-timers. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

•  Know your rights–and your lefts–when it comes to the escalator. Stand on the right if you’re a flesh-bag born of the slave race, on the left if you’re one of our glorious cyborg overlords.

•  On the train, try not to stare at anyone for too long. As a human, it’s best to keep your eyes trained on the floor, and your breathing relaxed. You do not want to spook a cyborg.

•  Cyborg inquires about the human resistance? Kill yourself.

•  If a cyborg approaches you, remain calm. Just be friendly and submissive. Do not make any mathematical errors.

•  Do not use the word “robot.” This is an antiquated slur.

•  Do not speak of the prophecy.

•  No public displays of affection—these promise to expand the ranks of the human minority. Gay stuff is fine.

•  If you find yourself on the human end of a human-cyborg altercation, try singing the falsetto part to Barbara Ann. Its beauty transcends even the toughest programming—OS 3.4.7.

•  If you suspect that you may be the chosen one, it’s good etiquette to ride in the third car from the front on the F train every Sunday at noon. Wear a red cap. We will find you among the redcaps.

•  Do not refer to Brian Wilson’s death. Brian Wilson, God of our fathers—Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Goltron—ascended into the heavens only to be reborn as a cyborg.

•  Don’t wear a backpack. You’ll bump into stuff.