For Spanish instructions, please see next page, Manual de Swenson!
If you are reading this, you are the proud new owner of a Swenson Business Copy Machine. Or perhaps you have just stolen a Swenson Business Copy Machine. Or maybe you are reading this manual in the Mechanical Manual Archives of Scottsdale, Arizona.
As you begin the daily fun of using your Swenson Machine, you should familiarize yourself with this manual. But first defamiliarize yourself with all other manuals.
We at Swenson understand that your business has spent valuable resources to acquire this copy machine — money that would have otherwise gone toward hiring a guy who would come to your office and copy everything by hand. That’s why we guarantee that in six months, you’ll be so satisfied with your Swenson Machine that you won’t even remember what it cost. And neither will we. It was an arbitrary number and we didn’t write it down.
Notice that the entire device is controlled by two incredibly simple knobs. Because their functions are so intuitive, the knobs are unlabeled. Take any document — an important legal contract for example. Load it into the tray. To scan the document, press the left knob three times. To shred the document, press the left knob two times. To shred and then scan, press the left knob as many times as you can.
If you want the Swenson Machine to instantly order $1,000 worth of Swenson Toner, press the right knob once and you will be billed automatically.
We hope you enjoy your Swenson Machine. Also we are legally obligated to tell you that a duplicate copy of everything you scan will be sent to Swenson Headquarters, so please don’t photocopy your butts.