The Abraham Lincoln Impersonator on 14th Street – The Harvard Lampoon

Smellfungus #

| Issue Editor: SWR '19 | Art Editor: SW '20

The Abraham Lincoln Impersonator on 14th Street

  SWR '19

Me: Can you do the “Gettysburg Address?”
Abraham Lincoln Impersonator: I’m not an Abraham Lincoln impersonator, sir, this is just how I look. I come to this street corner every day to beg for spare change.
Me: (to my girlfriend) Lincoln didn’t sound like that.

***

Me: Say, how much do you make standing out here?
Abraham Lincoln Impersonator: On a good day, maybe 50 dollars?
Me: You deserve more than that!
Abraham Lincoln Impersonator: When given the opportunity, few people have the courage to help a less fortunate man.
Me: You’d think people would pay thousands to see a professional Abraham Lincoln impersonator.
Abraham Lincoln Impersonator: Perhaps, but I’m not an Abraham Lincoln impersonator. It seems you’re confusing my homely appearance with that of the former president.
Me: Honestly, I could probably do this job better than you.

***

Me: (Impersonating Abraham Lincoln) A house divided against itself cannot stand.
Abraham Lincoln Impersonator: Please do that somewhere else, sir.
Cop: Alright, break it up you two. One Abraham Lincoln impersonator per street.
Guy Who Just Got New Glasses: Huh? I’m seeing double!
Guy Who’s Starting To Sober Up: Whoa… I think I’m drunker than I thought.
U.S. History Teacher On A Field Trip: Look away, children.
Jezebel Reporter: So turns out this “beggar” is just another greedy billionaire who likes to impersonate Abraham Lincoln. Disgraceful!
Guy Who’s High On Crack: I am being followed by Lincolns.
Guy Who Wrote A Boring Book About Lincoln: Everybody is celebrating my book!
Jock: Hey losers, the Nerd Convention ended last week!
Cop: Did one of you say you were on crack.