The COVID-19 Crisis – The Harvard Lampoon

Larry VS. The Infernal Machine #

| Issue Editor: BWM '19 | Art Editor: BC '19

The COVID-19 Crisis

  SWR '19   BWM '19

Dear Historians,

At the time of writing, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought the world to a standstill. Though the Lampoon rarely comments on current events, it feels wrong to continue making our silly jokes while the apocalypse is ongoing. So here’s what happened to Larry while he was hospitalized:

Doctor: (rushing in) Buddy, there’s a cure but you’re not gonna like it. 

Larry: (wheezing) You mean I might live?

Doctor: It involves grafting your body to that of a person with immunity.

Larry: Huh doc, I don’t know, I find the idea of grafting myself to another human being a little concerning.

Doctor: If it helps at all Larry I can explain the operation with these props. This small model of yourself would be you, now watch as I amputate at the waist and attach the upper part of the model’s body to…  

Old Chinese Woman: 콱봤쳄쟝돨莖賈.

Doctor: This would be your donor.

Larry: I don’t know doc, you’re sure this is the only way I can beat this disease? This seems more like something a mad doctor would come up with rather than the official W.H.O. guidelines. 

Doctor: We have to operate now.

Larry: Hold on! Wait just a goddam second! For once! Let me think about if this counts as sex.

Old Chinese Woman: 乖角詭눌돨뇹큽.

Larry: What’d she say?

Doctor: 퀭裂품청唐瓊섟늪斤口.

Old Chinese Woman: 청밑溝,凜槨乖뚤박榴깹뗀출磊깻할닒灌랙법昑契槨.

Doctor: 뎃角,섦賈뻤唐詭눌,퀭흔부출磊!

Larry: (coughs blood) Come on, did she say it counts or no? 

Sincerely, 

BWM & SWR