The Dating Team – The Harvard Lampoon

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The Dating Team

  BWKS '12


When I got to high school, I tried out for and made the school’s Varsity Dating Team. I had tried out for the middle school team all three years but was always rejected on account of my baby teeth not falling out until I was 12 and my adult teeth not growing in until I was 14. Also, there was my broken heart, which I maintain was injured during a peewee football game, and not afterwards when Janice walked past me to hug Marco.

But getting onto the high school Dating Team changed my life completely. My teachers started respecting me, Marco died, and my parents let me take their last name. I even got myself a girlfriend.

Practices for the Dating Team are fairly grueling. We’ll watch about one romantic comedy a day and then spend the rest of practice calculating tips, whitening our teeth, and making out.

The Dating Team is a serious time commitment though, and I spend all my Friday and Saturday nights with the team scrimmaging or dating against other schools. My girlfriend isn’t the biggest fan, but it means a lot to see her in the stands, reluctantly cheering me on and keeping track of my stats.

Am I going to continue dating at the college level? That’s the dream. And what about dating after I’m done with school? Wouldn’t that be something! Right now I’m just living life one date at a time. And no matter what happens, there are some things no one will ever be able to take away from my time on the Dating Team, namely my State Championship Trophy and a handful of very treatable venereal diseases.

When people hear I’m that I’m on the Dating Team, they have many questions. What are the girls like? Are they down for crazy things? Like how crazy? To be honest, I couldn’t tell you—they play in their own league.