The Modern Woman – The Harvard Lampoon

The American Dream #

| Issue Editor: CWW '16 | Art Editor: SESH '16

The Modern Woman

  AJ '18

How can you become the modern woman, and not the woman of yesteryear? Read this article. The modern woman has it all: a job, a husband, and five individual high-heeled shoes. Equally comfortable in the boardroom, the bedroom, and the bathroom, the modern woman is something we all aspire to be.

As a girl, the modern woman played baseball, not softball. She knows her father always wanted a boy. This doesn’t matter, because to the modern woman, all men are clowns. The husband of the modern woman is not a clown; he is just a nice guy. At work, the modern woman doesn’t dress for the job she has, she dresses for the job she wishes her father had.

She’s got a closet full of babies and won’t take no for an answer, especially if the question is, “Should I, the modern woman, keep having babies?” The modern woman knows she shouldn’t give birth in the conference room, but does it anyways. The men around her grudgingly respect her for this. They give her a promotion. She fires them one by one between contractions.

The modern woman thinks of herself as a Cleopatra at work and a Genghis Khan in bed. She runs her home like a business and her business like a dishwasher. She claps her children on the shoulder each night as she tucks them in. Their bedtime stories are her quarterly earnings reports. She only reads to them four nights a year.

At 66, the modern woman reluctantly retires. She folds her old paycheck stubs into origami boats and watches them float away down the river. The modern woman lives in a retirement community by the river. She has enough savings and grandchildren to last her a lifetime.