The Most Dangerous Prom in the History of Oakwood High School – The Harvard Lampoon

Knife Fight At The Malt Shop #

| Issue Editor: KMM '10 | Art Editor: JPFG '12

The Most Dangerous Prom in the History of Oakwood High School

  KMM '10

At the start of Oakwood High’s prom, the principal made an announcement. “Now, I don’t want anyone spiking the punch,” he joked. It was a funny joke because Oakwood High School exists in an alternate reality where alcohol is extinct.

Unfortunately, what no one knew was that the punch had already been accidentally laced with a chemical that kills people’s brains.

It all started when Matt Gilmore–an all-around good guy–had been put in charge of making the punch.

“I can’t make the punch green!” Matt had told his friends earlier in the day. Everyone knew that a green punch would really get the kids pumped up. “Instead, the punch is yellow. On account of the apple juice.”

Apple juice, and juice in general, was very popular with the students, so up until this point the punch was on track to be one of the best punches in Oakwood High School history.

Luckily–or so he thought–Matt had come up with a solution.

“I realized that I had to mix in some blue things with the yellow AJ.” Matt grinned as he explained the solution to the prom committee; his buds were hanging on his every word. “I mostly used the juice from melted blue popsicles.”

But it wasn’t mostly juice from melted blue popsicles. Instead, Matt had accidentally confused a bowl of gamma-Butyrolactone for a bowl full of melted blue popsicles. He then added some sodium hydroxide.

The resulting chemical reaction had produced a white paste on the sides of the bowl that Matt had harvested–thinking it was a pure form of blueness–and mixed in with the apple juice. The white paste was actually pure GHB, a powerful neurotoxin.

When Matt brought in the green punch, the kids, as expected, went absolutely nuts. Not only was green their favorite color, but the punch tasted just like apple juice. One of the most dangerous things about GHB is that it has no taste, making it a popular choice for date-rapists.

In the end, a lot of people got holes in their brains and the after party at Lance’s beach house had to be postponed until the first week of summer.