Class of 2011, today you will graduate high school, but more importantly, today you are now adults. Over the last few years, your bodies have gone through much change, and I have noticed. Your bra sizes have tripled and your jeans fit much better. I, myself, have become much more handsome and I have my father, MDL-G, to thank for that. If none of you have ever met MDL-G, he’s the heroic-looking man sitting in the third row in the designer suit. I encourage any lady to go ahead and introduce themselves to him after the ceremony.
You’re all wondering what the deal is with MDL-G. What makes him my hero? Well let me give you a little bit of backstory about the man I aspire to be. After graduating from a small, prestigious community college, MDL-G stumbled around a bit in his 20s, then inherited a small fortune from his grandfather in his 30s, and then stumbled around a bit in his 40s. Now, MDL-G is 53, and he’s ready to live large.
But just because MDL-G is a well-traveled man of the world does not mean he doesn’t get what you ladies are going through. MDL-G knows a thing or two about being a teenager and how hard it can be to show up for standardized tests. MDL-G knows how much you hate your parents, and MDL-G hates them, too.
Don’t you hate how your dad refuses to buy you nice clothes? So why don’t you let MDL-G take you shopping? Don’t you hate curfews? MDL-G has no curfew.
Now that you know about MDL-G, I will leave you with my real message. Seize the day. Talk to MDL-G. Reach for the stars. Let MDL-G take you out to dinner. And now that you are a legal adult, don’t be afraid to try new things. Like dating a recently divorced, middle-aged man.
Thank you, everyone, and now a speech from our esteemed guest, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.