The Zezk and You – The Harvard Lampoon

Politics As Usual #

| Issue Editor: JDH '14 | Art Editor: SLK '16

The Zezk and You

  ECM '15 , Art: SLK '16


Maintaining Kruger-Sachs Office Culture After the Great Withering

Who are all the new faces I’ve been seeing around the office, and why are they clouds of shimmering polyhedrons?

Those are the Zezk! Their species is going through a larval phase that involves brief, partial existence in three-dimensional space. Since physical barriers and conventional weaponry mean nothing to them, they pretty much go where they please, which means some of you are getting new cubicle mates! Don’t touch their polyhedrons, no matter how shiny they are.

How does the arrival of the Zezk armada fit into our sexual harrassment policy?

Great question, Graham, and good to see you’ve been playing it safe. Our lawyers tell me that the Zezk’s primary and secondary sexual characteristics are fundamentally unknowable, so you should be in the clear.

A Zezk just transmuted my computer and desk into a shard of black diamond! What should I do?

We think this might be a mating ritual. Unfortunately, neither our sexual harassment policy nor the combined force of the world’s former militaries can stop the Zezk from harassing you. On the bright side, what diamonds you find are yours to keep.

Where is Beth? Are the Zezk to blame?

She got poached by Kincaid Telecom. If you see her on the street don’t get chatty.

The Zezk in my cubicle seems friendly. What would the Kruger-Sachs policy on out-of-office fraternization say about inviting it out for a beer after work?

Communication with the Zezk is impossible.