Tips in a Fire – The Harvard Lampoon

The Burnout #

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Tips in a Fire

  NHS '10

1. Walk, don’t run, to the nearest exit. Alternatively: run, don’t walk, to the furthest exit.
2. Try to refrain from yelling “fire,” which will only add to the general confusion. Instead, yell
“There is a fire in this building right now.”
3. Keep your priorities in order: loved ones first, then belongings, then liked ones.
4. Stay low to the ground. You’ll avoid smoke, which rises, and you’ll get to see the world from the perspective of a large ant. Sort of a freak ant.
5. In the event that your clothes ignite, stay calm. You don’t your need clothes anyway: you’re in a fire!
6. Remember, a fire extinguisher is not a toy. Then again, you might not have much time left. Go crazy.
7. There’s no need to tip the fireman who saves you. In fact, just so he won’t feel uncomfortable
about it, ask him for a tip. If he doesn’t give you one, tell him you don’t believe in heroes.
8. When it’s all over and the smoke has cleared, you shouldn’t make light of the incident unless
any of the following is true: a) no one died, b) some people died but they were evil, or c) some
people were disfigured but they fall in a moral grey area.