Total Gym – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: WCS '11 | Art Editor: IVP '12

Total Gym

  ARD '12

Star of Police Academy movies Steve Guttenberg uses Total Gym

If I had to go to the gym and use the 15 to 20 different pieces of equipment it takes to get the workout I get from Total Gym, I would go crazy and move to the mountains again.  Luckily the Total Gym fulfills my two primal needs for constant exercise and a low surface to sit on while I pet my cats.

Actor Wesley Snipes believes in Total Gym

Hello I’m Wesley Snipes.  I don’t need to tell you about how sculpted my upper and lower body are; you know it from my movies, or you assume it because I am in prison.

I may not have paid any taxes for five years, but I did invest sizably in “Total Gym,” a reputable workout program.  Unfortunately prison gym only has 15 to 20 clunky pieces of equipment, which is inefficient when they could have 15 to 20 Total Gyms.

I may be in prison, but my true punishment is that I can’t be at my house exercising on Total Gym right now.  If you don’t buy Total Gym in the next hour, you are taking your health for granted.  If you already own Total Gym and you’re watching this for the entertainment while you exercise on Total Gym, I envy you.

There are reports that several members of the jury that voted me guilty of tax evasion and sent me to jail were overheard saying that they “knew I was guilty” from the moment I walked into the courtroom.  I may not be a lawyer, but it seems rather

Actress Christie Brinkley looks incredibly sexy for 56

I love kayaking, but I prefer kayaking for the scenery rather than exercise.  With my Total Gym advertising deal, I can finally afford weekly kayaking trips in the Florida Everglades.

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