Tour – The Harvard Lampoon

Tenderfoot #

| Issue Editor: MKG '10 | Art Editor: IMTB '11

Tour

  JBO '10

We were going on a tour of the brain uploading place because the technology had gotten good enough and we were thinking about getting uploaded so we could put our brains in a robot body and live forever. A guy named Brandon was giving it.

“First we pump some nanos through your head, then we take the configuration and transfer it to digital,” he said.

“Are you awake for all this?” I asked. Brandon sighed angrily.

“This is long after the head has been cut off,” he said.

Mikey nudged me, put his hands to his cheeks and opened his eyes really wide. As soon as I turned around he nudged me again and did the same thing, but this time he had smeared some goat’s blood around his neck. Out of all my friends, Mikey carried around the largest number of vials filled with goat blood. His carrying satchel wasn’t the nicest one but it was up there.

“I’ll show you some of the units if you want,” said Brandon. He unlocked a big drawer and pulled it out. Inside, there were some gray boxes with wires.

“I wonder what they’re doing in there,” said Mikey.

“What if they were playing a computer game? But they are the computer.”

“Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap,” he said, pretending to type.

“Yeah,” said Brandon. “Okay, let’s get you guys under the saws.”

“Wait, wait,” I said, as he started to put a hospital gown on Mikey. “We’re just here to look for now.”

“Buddy,” Mikey whispered to me. “This guy’s been through a lot of trouble for us. We don’t have to get uploaded if you don’t want to, but at least wear the gown. It’s courtesy.”

“I can hear you,” said Brandon. “And it’s not any trouble. I don’t care whether you get the procedure. That’s something for you and your wife to decide on your own,” he said, pointing at me.

Mikey laughed and slapped me on the back hard, and then pinched some of my stomach fat between his fingers and pulled at it. “Call me crazy, Brandon, but you just might be the best damn salesman on Earth.”