Under New Management – The Harvard Lampoon

Break of Day #

| Issue Editor: NM '17 | Art Editor: BAB '17

Under New Management

  DRM '18
It all started when our company got bought and came under new management. The new bosses came in spouting off about synergy, vertical integration, and horizontal segregation. The office culture totally changed. Before, it was pretty Westernized, but now, I’d describe it as North African with a dash of East Asian influence.

After that, changes came fast and loose. Casual Fridays were now on Mondays, and Hump Days were banned due to new sexual harassment policies. The office Christmas party was cancelled and the new office Chanukkah rave was sponsored by Grey Goose. The water cooler gossip was even serialized in a weekly column in People Magazine.

The message was clear: these were New Age bosses with even Newer Age rules. Quarterly performance reviews were now to be self-performed, as were all company health plan colonoscopies. Cubicles were to be replaced with tetrahedrons and corner offices with two-dimensional drawings of squares. Memos now had to be interdepartmental and interdimensional.

The changes weren’t all welcome though. The new bosses stopped issuing paper paychecks as part of their environmental initiative and then digital ones as part of their enslavement initiative. Complaints would’ve piled up, but the Human Resources department was abolished when they started classifying employees as “sub-human” in order to exploit a tax loophole. The IRS never saw it coming, and neither did we until we found ourselves chained to our tetrahedrons and squares.

Before we knew it, the new bosses abolished their outdated titles like CEO and Vice-President in Charge of Regional Distribution in favor of more fluid ones like Almighty God Zethutar and High Priest in Charge of Regional Distribution. In the end, I’d say we’re happy with the changes though. After all, we get an extra thirty-minute break each day for human sacrifices to Zethutar.